tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78729124896706301712024-03-05T21:32:18.861-05:00Seeing StarsMeganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02712840054957646110noreply@blogger.comBlogger26125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7872912489670630171.post-16902582919682852102023-05-12T21:15:00.004-04:002023-09-13T17:21:53.781-04:00I need help…<p> <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-size-adjust: auto;">8 1/2 years ago, I crawled on my hands and knees, weeping softly, and said the bravest three words I’ve ever uttered, “I need help.”</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">I didn’t feel brave. I felt broken, hopeless, fragile, small, and most of all, ashamed.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">After I told the nurse my plan, it was decided. They took my purse, my phone, my shoelaces, and the drawstring from my hooded sweatshirt. They stripped me of my belongings. I was so hopeless, it didn’t matter. All I wanted was to sleep. That was my plan. To go to sleep.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">After a day and a half of sleep, waking up only for meds, and to pee, I met my first roommate. She said her mom told her she had demons. That she was a demonic creature. She hoped the Bible would help her be better. She carried it around the place but I never saw her open it. </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">It was her last day. I still wonder if the Bible helped. I also wonder if her mom maybe needed to open that bible too. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">I barely remember the doctor. I do remember crying when he told me Wellbutrin would be the med to bring me out of my depression. I told him I had already tried it a few years ago and it made me better at first, wonderful in fact. But then, a switch flipped and all I could feel was anger. The road rage was the worst. Surely that wasn’t who I was supposed to be? He wrote something in his notebook. More questions. More meds added to the cocktail. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">The dreaded word. Bipolar. My family doctor had already brought it up to me a few months prior. I was taking a low dose of an SSRI. Most of the medications over the years blurred together in my mind. A carousel of pill bottles. I would take them for awhile, feel better, feel good, feel euphoric, then get angry with an energy that could only be described as frenetic. Onto the next bottle.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">The doctor asked me if I had seen a psychiatrist. I had. He was in jail for trading drugs to a few of his patients for “favors.” The man was an enigma. Going to him made me feel less crazy. He was always puttering around his office in a disheveled button-down shirt and dingy looking socks. His filing system was Manila folders piled on every flat surface in the room. He also ran a suboxone clinic out of his office. Sometimes he would forget when suboxone night was supposed to happen and he <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>would schedule me an appointment at the same time. Yet he would preach to me, “No narcotics.” No wonder the guy missed the diagnosis. He was too busy slinging legal heroin and preaching “No narcotics, not even for labor or dental work.”</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">8 days. That’s how long I spent in the hospital. It was kind of a blur. My hair was so dry from using only shampoo. One could “win” a small bottle of conditioner. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">My parents came to visit. I imagine my mom had to coach my dad on what not to say to me. He did well. They both told me how much they loved me. For the record, I never doubted anyone’s love. Only my worthiness. My brother, Nate, and my sister in law, Amanda visited me. I think I assured them I was ok. That I was on my way to being ok anyway.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Now that a second doctor had confirmed the dreaded diagnosis, the jig was up. Bipolar. It sent shivers down my spine. But also, it had cleared up a lot of past behaviors and relationship issues I had with people. As young as 13, I could remember times of deep despair and instances of pure euphoria. During high school, I was relatively quiet. But every now and then, I got a burst of excitement, a bubbling over desire to talk. I’m certain it mystified my classmates when I would inadvertently come out of my shell for a day or so. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Really, bipolar is a misnomer. It gives a sense that there is a clear line between two moods. A dichotomy of personalities. It’s not that. It’s more of a cycle of feelings between depression and mania. Every one has cycles of highs and lows. Every one. But, chances are, you’ll never reach my highest high (unless you use a substance) and you’ll never succumb to my lowest low.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Bipolar is not who I am. It’s something I have. The last thing I want is sympathy. I’m looking for empathy, not just for my struggles, but for the struggles of every person who is fighting a mental illness. The strongest adversary in this fight is the stigma, the idea that I, or those like me, are somehow damaged, crazy, or scary. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">8 years of stability has taught me that this fight is not won behind closed doors. Whispers are damaging. Ignorance is costly. Outright bullying can be deadly. Please, if you can’t be an ally in this fight, the least you can do is not be an adversary.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">The most important thing I learned is that suicidal feelings are temporary; if you can find even just a sliver of hope, embrace that light. Crawl on your hands and knees if you have to. If you can't speak, then whisper, "I need help."</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"> </span><span style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">I still struggle with cycling mood changes; however, the hills and valleys are much closer together now.</span><span style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"> </span><span style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">The people closest to me know the signs of a mood shift. I’m so grateful for my family and friends.</span><span style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"> </span><span style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">This battle is not one that should be faced alone. </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">I matter. You matter. </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts or have a plan, please call or text 988.</span></p>Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02712840054957646110noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7872912489670630171.post-43965581551604542792020-07-30T17:50:00.003-04:002020-07-30T18:07:50.988-04:00I am mama<p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">You were the shooting star</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">I hitched my dreams to.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">Ephemeral, a rainbow</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">doused by the blinding sun.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">Youth was not kind to</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">these dreams. I was not</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">kind to my youth.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">Fighting for air, crying </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">for just one breath,</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">It was almost the end.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">Then you were there. </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">A flutter, oh, sweet hope.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">Your first cry was my first breath.</span></p>Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02712840054957646110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7872912489670630171.post-40529827146085192122014-11-19T14:36:00.002-05:002020-09-23T11:26:49.901-04:00FaithThe year was 1987, the year<br />
my faith was lowered into<br />
the Pennsylvania clay<br />
alongside my Pappy.<br />
<br />
Sometimes I still check<br />
my back pocket, or<br />
maybe it's crushed with<br />
mints in the bottom of my purse.<br />
<br />
People question less and less<br />
what happened to it.<br />
As the years go by,<br />
so do I, without.<br />
<br />
The truth is that my<br />
faith was buried in<br />
a Catholic cemetery,<br />
mingling with the mud.<br />
<br />
Or maybe the worms<br />
went hungry when<br />
they realized how<br />
very small it was anyway. Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02712840054957646110noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7872912489670630171.post-16490812031284311252014-06-16T20:47:00.001-04:002014-06-16T20:47:10.396-04:00Walnuts<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Gold light splashes</div>
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a few branches of </div>
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the walnut tree</div>
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Madness beckons</div>
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like clarity</div>
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and the bright </div>
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green leaves of the </div>
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Lightning sharp</div>
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razors split the</div>
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dull, gray matter;</div>
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words tumble, lost in
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Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02712840054957646110noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7872912489670630171.post-29745826254303987972014-03-25T14:56:00.001-04:002014-03-25T14:56:34.722-04:00Posies<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
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With a slight of hand and the love of a mother’s mother.</div>
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you turned peanuts into candy bars.</div>
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Those wrinkled hands wrap me in memories.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Planting kisses on top of golden curls, smiling with</div>
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Only the radiance that love times years can produce,</div>
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You fixed indelible marks on your little ones.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I hear your voice, gritty and soft, like a </div>
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muddy spring day and I want to</div>
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show you the posies, all your little ones.</div>
Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02712840054957646110noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7872912489670630171.post-17500745229406522732014-03-20T13:40:00.001-04:002014-03-20T13:41:40.451-04:00March<h3>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><b><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">willing the moment of Spring to be now.</span></b></span></h2>
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Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02712840054957646110noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7872912489670630171.post-27776605449821842662014-02-13T20:28:00.000-05:002014-11-19T14:42:47.782-05:00Hope<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m trying to decide if I rise from depression or if I am
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<br /></div>
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Who is in charge of my thoughts? Which version of me says, “Not
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<br /></div>
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The mind is a wondrous and shifting place. Mindfulness is
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<br /></div>
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I will observe my thoughts. I will accept them. I will move
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have decided that I rise and am raised. I am delivered
from the depths by chance, by circumstance and by sheer will of want—the want
to live and experience life.</div>
Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02712840054957646110noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7872912489670630171.post-58264710576274144972014-01-22T10:15:00.001-05:002014-02-13T10:14:16.645-05:00Here's a Crazy Thought<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #003300; font-size: 12pt;"> <i>I started this blog around Christmas, when I started to come out of a dark place. I have been struggling since then, but the light keeps peeking through the clouds. I'm grateful to my family and my friends for loving me through this pain.</i></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #003300; font-size: 12pt;">“It’s the most wonderful time of the year…”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #003300; font-size: 12pt;">It really is an amazing time of year. People are more giving and generous
whether they have a little or a lot. Also, real houses start to look like
gingerbread houses…or small theme parks, depending on how crazy their owners
get with the lights and giant, blow-up Snowmen and Santas.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #003300; font-size: 12pt;">Speaking of crazy, it’s not always the most wonderful time of the year
for some of us, the ones who carry a mental illness around like a (mostly) invisible label of shame, a label we carry on the inside, out of sight. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #003300; font-size: 12pt;">I am one of those people. My labels say, “Depression” and “Anxiety.” (Throughout
this blog, I will rely heavily on examples of Depression and Anxiety due to
first-hand experience). My labels are fairly invisible. Sometimes they start to
show on the outside, as when physical symptoms like aches, pains, exhaustion
and panic attacks make their appearances. The second biggest problem (I think)
with my internal war is that my own brain is supposed to be the “good guy” but
sometimes it’s an enemy that carries secret identities. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #003300; font-size: 12pt;">When you really think about it, your brain is the command center for your
whole body. Most of what your brain does is so behind-the-scenes that you don’t
even realize it’s in charge. Brain says, “Hey fingers, type these words.” Brain
commands, “Hey mouth, chew this food.” (These are not “voices in your head.”
That’s an entirely different mental illness, one I am fortunate not to have
experienced.) You don't question the commands of your brain. You take it for granted that Brain is in charge here and you're a good soldier.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #003300; font-size: 12pt;">Anyway, if your brain is captured by an enemy (like Depression), it may
turn on you, then give false (but very real) orders like, “Hey self, your life
is not worth living; you feel hopeless; you are useless and worthless.” It
flashes its “Brain Badge” along with its “Real Thoughts” credentials and
continues to give dangerous commands. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #003300; font-size: 12pt;">Unless you’ve experienced this covert operation in the past and lived to
tell about it, you most likely won’t even think to question Brain’s authority.
Even if you have experienced this take-over in the past, every battle is
different and Brain is an awfully worthy opponent, especially when it’s on a Suicide
Mission. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #003300; font-size: 12pt;">I’ve already told you about the second biggest problem of the mental
illness war, now let’s talk about the biggest problem. My opinion is that the
number one reason people can’t get better and can’t get help when their brains
wage a war on their lives (and unfortunately the lives around them) is because
of the stigma that surrounds mental illness. Stigma is the propaganda of this
war.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #003300; font-size: 12pt;">The stigma brings about a sense of shame for the sufferer and even for
their loved ones. The sufferer is sometimes blamed for his or her own mental
illness; therefore, she may isolate herself in an attempt to hide what she
believes is a personal character flaw.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #003300; font-size: 12pt;">Personally, during episodes of Depression, I have uttered phrases that
uphold self-blame. “This is all my fault.” “I ruin everything.” “I’m so sorry
that I feel this way.” “I don’t deserve you.” “Why do you put up with me?” “I
can’t do this anymore.” “I want to give up.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #003300; font-size: 12pt;">Another option the sufferer has is to blame outside forces or other
“real” ailments to try to explain their suffering. I have blamed PMS, the
stranger who cut me off on the highway, the mess on the dining room table
(which is usually mostly mine), neighbors who ring the doorbell (“why can’t
they just leave me alone?”), the weather (which actually has some credence but
can’t be blamed for everything), and so on and so forth.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #003300; font-size: 12pt;">To add another layer to the Depression/Anxiety chaos, although outside
forces (like being robbed or your car breaking down) and “real” ailments (like
the flu or an injury)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>don’t actually
cause Depression and/or Anxiety, these things do add up to stressors that can
trigger an episode. See, the Depression and Anxiety are already inside me. Most
of the time they’re in a state of rest, but then stressors add up, a round of
“friendly fire” is triggered and the enemy is engaged in a new battle.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #003300; font-size: 12pt;">What we need to remember is that blame is not helpful. Blame prevents a
solution to the real problem. The real problem is an illness, not a curable
illness but a very treatable illness.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #003300; font-size: 12pt;">Fortunately (or maybe by a grand design, who knows), I do have safe
places to turn to when the battle becomes too big for me. Sometimes it takes
awhile for me to seek their asylum (pun intended) and I have had some close
calls, but I have always made it into the loving arms of my allies. My husband,
my Mom, a wonderful (finally) family doctor and a few trusted friends are more
than just a safe place to land. They are my advocates. They fight for me even
when I’m ready to give up. They recognize the strength that it takes for me to
go to them and say, “I need help. I’m not doing too well and I’m having bad
thoughts.” They remind me that even though my dark thoughts are real, they are
not my fault and they are not true, that I will get better and life can be good
again, worth living for again.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #003300; font-size: 12pt;">These are the people who are helping to change the world, to make it a
more habitable place for those of us who suffer from mental illness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Many years ago, during another dark
time, I asked my husband, “Why do you stick with me? Why don’t you give up on
me when I’m ready to give up on me?” His answer was so simple and yet so
profound. To paraphrase, he told me, “For one thing, you know you would do the
same for me or for anyone you love. The other thing is that I know how great
you are and how good things are when you are at your best. That’s worth
fighting for.”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">He is right (and my husband loves
when I say he is “right!”). My life is worth fighting for. That is what is at
stake here, my life. And I’ll tell you what, when I’m not in a state of
Depression, I am a force to be reckoned with. I am empathetic, intelligent,
wordy, kind, generous and sometimes pretty funny. I will laugh with you; I will
cry with you; I will take on the world with you. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Just give me a chance to get back to feeling like me again.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Know someone with Depression? Here
are some helpful suggestions on what not to say to them. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="color: #003300; font-size: 12pt;">The Wrong Things to
Say:</span></b><span style="color: #003300; font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="color: #003300; font-size: 12pt;">“I know how you feel.”</span></b><b><span style="color: #003300; font-size: 12pt;"></span></b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #003300; font-size: 12pt;">Just remove this statement from your speech. Don’t say it. Ever. You
never know how another person is feeling. This is not a helpful thing to say to
someone who has lost a loved one. It is not helpful to say to someone who has
Depression. Hell, it’s not even helpful to say to someone who just got a paper
cut. You do not know how another person is feeling. <u>Ever.</u></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="color: #003300; font-size: 12pt;"></span></b><b><span style="color: #003300; font-size: 12pt;"></span></b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt;">“Stop thinking about only yourself.</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;">”</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I already feel selfish; I don’t need
to be reminded of it. But you know what else I feel? Worthless, exhausted,
useless, sad, hopeless and sometimes nothing at all. I don’t want to feel this
way and I don’t choose to feel this way. Honestly, I would rather you say
nothing at all to me than say something hurtful. If you can’t be helpful, at
least avoid being hurtful.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt;">“Cheer up.”</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">If only it were that easy. Believe
me, if I could inject cheer into my brain, I would do it in a heartbeat. But a
depressed person cannot will himself into a state of cheer. Remember,
Depression is not the same as Sadness. If telling a depressed person to “Cheer
up” really worked, then you could tell them to “Energize up, have hope, be of
use, feel worthy!” Sounds pretty stupid, huh? Depression is caused by a
chemical imbalance in the brain. Telling someone with Depression to “cheer up”
is as effective as telling a person with Diabetes, “make your body create
insulin!” </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
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</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt;">“Have you tried ________?”</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Have you tried more caffeine? Less
caffeine? Watching a funny movie? Chamomile tea? Working out? I’m tried a lot
of things to help with Depression. Some things have helped, but have never
cured it. There’s no cure for Depression. Like most illnesses, we can only
treat the symptoms. And like most things in life, what works for one person may
not work for another. Also, try to remember, the person you’re saying these
things to may be at the lowest point of his or her life. They may even be
suicidal. If your best friend was hanging from a cliff, you wouldn’t offer them
a hot beverage and some friendly advice. You would give them a hand. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
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</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt;">“Count your blessings.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You have so much to be thankful for.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You have so much going for you.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Your life is so wonderful.” Etc.</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">When you point out how amazing a
depressed person’s life looks from the outside, all you’re really doing is
reinforcing that she is unable to enjoy the good things about life. I am aware
of my blessings and nothing is more frustrating than not being able to enjoy
life.</span></span></div>
Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02712840054957646110noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7872912489670630171.post-77209612982225036092014-01-19T11:23:00.003-05:002014-04-30T14:49:36.061-04:00Climbing the Silo<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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The first time was so innocent
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And made the most sense</div>
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For I climbed hand over hand, </div>
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Foot over foot, up to the top</div>
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Of a silver sided silo, from</div>
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The bottom I went up. Up.</div>
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<br /></div>
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As I neared the top rung,</div>
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My feet sturdy, solid,</div>
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I held on so tightly with</div>
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fingers clenched, so fierce</div>
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and finally found what</div>
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I sought, At the top. The top.</div>
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<br /></div>
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13 years, only thirteen and</div>
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The instinct to survive bound</div>
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Me to that ladder with the glue</div>
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Of a promise, that above me</div>
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The stars blinked and winked and</div>
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more to be found </div>
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if I didn’t crash to the ground.</div>
Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02712840054957646110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7872912489670630171.post-46296919505418832162014-01-12T10:28:00.000-05:002014-02-13T10:14:16.638-05:00VoiceThroat tight.<br />
Stage fright.<br />
Arms crossed,<br />
Voice lost.<br />
Faded.<br />
Jaded.<br />
<br />
Deep breath,<br />
Big step.<br />
Reach high.<br />
Defy.<br />
Stand up.<br />
Erupt.<br />
Speak out.<br />
No doubt.Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02712840054957646110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7872912489670630171.post-31965900734826088562014-01-07T17:28:00.002-05:002014-02-13T10:14:16.631-05:00Journey of One, Part I<i>Is there no way out of the mind? - Sylvia Plath</i><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Climbing up, up to the moon,<br />
Up, up over the stars, we are<br />
Brilliant together, I and the stars.<br />
Not looking down. Don't.<br />
Don't look down.<br />
What goes up...<br />
<br />
How did I end up down here?<br />
Crushed under a mountain of cold stone,<br />
I fondle my carvings.<br />
Yes, this is my work here.<br />
My mistake.<br />
So sorry.<br />
I can't make it. I can't.<br />
You see, I'm under this mountain of<br />
Grief.<br />
<br />
No, I can't remember<br />
What or why I mourn.<br />
I believe something is lost.<br />
It must be around here somewhere.<br />
The cavern is dark and I forget how to make light.<br />
<br />
I was lonely once long ago.<br />
<br />
Nothing matters now.<br />
The darkness has swallowed<br />
Me and I am laying in the stomach<br />
Of this beast.<br />
Is it breathing for me?<br />
The beast and I are the same, for<br />
Its shame and mine have digested.<br />
<br />Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02712840054957646110noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7872912489670630171.post-81779898234342081712013-10-03T08:52:00.003-04:002014-02-13T10:14:16.652-05:00Complacent<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Oh, hey there, jet stream</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Looks like you got left</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Behind with me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And we’re just fixed</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Here unintentionally</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
like predetermined </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
objects pasted on</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
with miles of smiles.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And don’t you know</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That we can go. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anywhere.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anytime.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But let’s just stay awhile</div>
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And we’ll make the most</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
of a blue sky.</div>
Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02712840054957646110noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7872912489670630171.post-40326657041085259782013-10-03T08:50:00.000-04:002014-04-30T14:49:36.053-04:00Friendly Fire<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
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She wraps her dreams in cellophane,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sending them off like toy soldiers</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
camouflaged in brown paper bags.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But every war is started by someone</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
older; the young are lost on foreign</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
soil, grasping for meaning (or maybe</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
not) that is thrust upon their backs;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
the dead weight of yesterday</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
is screaming for the light.</div>
Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02712840054957646110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7872912489670630171.post-91144859672077159612013-09-10T09:55:00.001-04:002014-04-30T14:49:36.068-04:00Mom<div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-family: sans-serif; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_QbvelHGMFCNPc9VivL92NgInrImyxl8FcKCF82pOnRlR5WH0ho0rdp4MwcNhf4iYLdvqw4mWwiTbwKYZycp011IPC3WxqSVMDE35pdC-xuMgYBwDSL0JQNOuvSl3jRs2w0wJkApPyeg3/s1600/wewriwa_square_4.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Weekend Writing Warriors" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_QbvelHGMFCNPc9VivL92NgInrImyxl8FcKCF82pOnRlR5WH0ho0rdp4MwcNhf4iYLdvqw4mWwiTbwKYZycp011IPC3WxqSVMDE35pdC-xuMgYBwDSL0JQNOuvSl3jRs2w0wJkApPyeg3/s170/wewriwa_square_4.png" height="130" id="Image2_img" style="visibility: visible;" width="130" /></a></div>
<div style="font-family: sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"> </span></span></span></b></b></span><span style="color: #0c343d;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Welcome Weekend Writing Warriors! <span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></span></b></span></div>
<div style="font-family: sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<b style="color: #0c343d; font-family: sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Weekend writing Warriors is a weekly bloghop. Each week, participants sign up <a href="http://wewriwa.com/" target="_blank">HERE </a></span><b><span style="font-size: xx-small;"></span></b><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">at wewriwa.com</span></span><b><span style="font-size: xx-small;">, </span></b><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">then post 8 sentences </span></span><span style="font-size: x-small;">of</span></span><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> their work, published ot unpublished, to go live between noon, Saturday and 9:00 AM Sunday EST Then we visit each other and read, comment, critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart good.</span></span></span><b><span style="font-size: xx-small;"> </span></b></b><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
My mind cannot separate<br />
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her from the brown earth</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
that raised up </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
her flowers </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
and me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She said, “Reach.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Oh, I did and she </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
did not insist </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
on superfluous things</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
like saying, “this is how.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Her eyes would just</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Smile as I found</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
my way,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
like her flowers,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
to the light.</div>
Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02712840054957646110noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7872912489670630171.post-26953138712282762842013-08-01T18:15:00.001-04:002014-04-30T14:49:36.047-04:00One Thing You Missed<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_QbvelHGMFCNPc9VivL92NgInrImyxl8FcKCF82pOnRlR5WH0ho0rdp4MwcNhf4iYLdvqw4mWwiTbwKYZycp011IPC3WxqSVMDE35pdC-xuMgYBwDSL0JQNOuvSl3jRs2w0wJkApPyeg3/s1600/wewriwa_square_4.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Weekend Writing Warriors" border="0" height="130" id="Image2_img" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_QbvelHGMFCNPc9VivL92NgInrImyxl8FcKCF82pOnRlR5WH0ho0rdp4MwcNhf4iYLdvqw4mWwiTbwKYZycp011IPC3WxqSVMDE35pdC-xuMgYBwDSL0JQNOuvSl3jRs2w0wJkApPyeg3/s170/wewriwa_square_4.png" style="visibility: visible;" width="130" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"> </span></span></span></b><br />
</b></span><span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Welcome Weekend Writing Warriors! <span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></span></b></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Weekend writing Warriors is a weekly bloghop. Each week, participants sign up <a href="http://wewriwa.com/" target="_blank">HERE </a></span><b><span style="font-size: xx-small;"></span></b><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">at wewriwa.com</span></span><b><span style="font-size: xx-small;">, </span></b><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">then post 8 sentences </span></span><span style="font-size: x-small;">of</span></span><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
their work, published ot unpublished, to go live between noon, Saturday
and 9:00 AM Sunday EST Then we visit each other and read, comment,
critique, encourage--all those things that do a solitary writer's heart
good.</span></span></span><b><span style="font-size: xx-small;">
</span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br />
</span></span></b></b></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Here is your little girl’s</b></span></div>
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>
</b></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>first loose tooth, six</b></span></div>
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>
</b></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>years of pearly growth</b></span></div>
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>
</b></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>down the drain.</b></span></div>
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>
</b></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>No, literally, it went</b></span></div>
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>
</b></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>down the drain.</b></span></div>
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>
</b></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Your son, though</b></span></div>
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>
</b></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>younger, her champion,</b></span></div>
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>
</b></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>composed of freckles and</b></span></div>
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>
</b></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>energy, shovels every</b></span></div>
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>
</b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>ditch, certain he will</b></span></div>
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>
</b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>recover her lost treasure.</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>
</b></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>You see, they know loss</b></span></div>
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>
</b></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>And they seek what is lost.</b></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Megan Cypher copyright 2013 All Rights Reserved </b></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Thanks for visiting! </b></span></div>
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</span></b></div>
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</span></b></div>
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Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02712840054957646110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7872912489670630171.post-22090970037963368672013-07-24T19:11:00.001-04:002020-09-23T15:07:54.962-04:00Fatherless: It Doesn't Have to Mean Less<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Snapshot</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My Mom did not set out to have a daughter (or sons). Like
most kids on this planet, I was not a planned creation, but rather the physical
manifestation of what happens when two young lovers do what lovers do.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One of my favorite stories about my Mom is a snapshot in my
mind. I wasn’t there; she was only a teenager in this story. She ran away from
home with her guitar, hitchhiking from the rural farm in Cabot, PA where she
grew up and making it all the way to New Castle, PA—about a 40 mile trek. I
don’t remember how it started or why she did it or how it ended (obviously she
didn’t become a famous singer). There may or may not have been a friend with
her. She may or may not have even had a plan. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Those are details that don’t matter in my snapshot. The
picture in my mind was and still is this: A girl, 7<sup>th</sup> of 8 children
from a big Catholic family is striking out. She is a song; her hair is long and
dark, and slightly wild. With her, she carries a guitar, the clothes on her
back and a hope for something different. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Granted, there is obvious transference on my
part going on in this story. And as with all stories we tell ourselves, I cradle
and polish this story in my mind until it has become a picture of a singular defining
moment. I define my Mom as poetry, as a pure soul, as an eternal girl who seeks
freedom even as a woman. This is how I will try to define myself, but my mirror
is blurry and the pieces of me do not fit this mold. It takes years, joy and
pain to gather your own pieces and accept your condition as beautifully flawed
but uniquely whole. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Choice.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My Mom is 20 years old when she discovers she is pregnant
with her first child. She has been in a relationship with my biological father since
she was 16. This is 1980. The bra-burning, major movement days of feminism are over,
but the stigma of unwed mothers is still firmly locked in a place of silent
judgment-- especially in rural, predominantly Catholic, farming communities. My
father wants her to abort the fetus. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She chooses to have me. She later will choose to have my
brother.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My father goes on to choose another woman and a
non-custodial, non-relationship with his children. This is his choice and one
that I’m still uncertain if he has come to regret.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The Wind; It Blows</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The first memory I can recall with clarity is a vision of me
at 3 or maybe 4 years of age. I’m lying underneath a white pine next to the
farmhouse that raised me. The wind is hot and dry. Maybe this memory stands out
because arid gusts are not the norm during a summer in Western Pennsylvania. My
fingers are sifting through warm, tan dirt; my young brain is reaching for the
top of the pine, grasping for understanding: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">How do the trees make the wind blow?</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I recall this memory in later childhood with embarrassment.
Cause and effect is a simple concept; I mentally kick myself for not
understanding something so fundamental. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t remember my father. I don’t remember his face or
when he left us or if he ever held me or my brother in his arms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He left before I could walk, speak or formulate
thoughts about trees and wind. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I do have a Dad. His love for my mother is undeniable. I’m
not sure I understand how our family appears to others (and many will try to
dissect it), but for us it works. He is strict, but caring. Discipline, humor
and a familial sense of belonging make up the foundation of how we all love,
tolerate and survive one another.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are
his rug-rats, my brothers and I, also frequently referred to as “The Gang. We go everywhere together.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 5;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Biologically Speaking</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My father’s mother has died. She is my paternal grandmother.
I like this adjective, paternal. We attend the viewing of Blanche and I meet my
paternal grandfather. He is propped up against his girlfriend, who has red hair
and yellow skin. His glasses are so thick that his eyes appear as though they
are far away and I think to myself that this poor eye-sight is a part of my
biology. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mental note: Practice touching
eye balls so I am prepared to use contact lenses instead of relying on
coke-bottle glasses.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As we leave the funeral home, my Mom approaches a tall man
on the porch. She says, “I’m sorry for your loss.” He mumbles something
unintelligible. I realize this man is my father. He will not look at me or my
brother. My heart is pounding; my voice is locked deep inside of me. We leave.
I will confer with my best-friend.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Are you angry that he left you?” My cousin and best-friend,
7 months my senior, asks me about my father.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Her tongue is sticking out the side of her mouth in concentration as she
prepares to launch a raisin into a bottle of grape soda. I’m 12 and she has
just turned 13 this spring.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The rain has
brought us indoors and we’re sprawled out on the worn pink carpet of my
shoebox-shaped bedroom. Most of the raisins now litter the floor around the
Faygo bottle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her question interrupts my
current thought: I wonder if the raisins will rehydrate and become big grapes,
gushing with purple sugar.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Angry? I’m not sure.</i>
I try angry on to see if it suits me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“I’m not angry,” I tell her with assurance. “I think you have to know a
person to be angry with them.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To my friends, perhaps the absent father is a curious
novelty. Mostly everyone we know has married parents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Following a quick wedding at St. John’s, St.
Luke’s or with the JP at the County Courthouse, the eldest child usually enters
the family 6 to 7 months later.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My cousin moves on to talking about the boys in her class
and I’m left with a new awareness. It has not occurred to me up to this point
that I am entitled to a feeling of anger or loss regarding my biological
father’s absence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Since early childhood,
I have been approaching the subject of the Missing Parent with a burning sense
of curiosity about his relationship with my Mom and yet a detached level of
expertise in explaining his absence to others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I firmly correct anyone who would refer to this non-custodial parent as
“your dad.” I say, “No, he was my biological father.” I delight in using the
word, “biological.” It makes me feel scientific and worldly. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">My family is not like yours. We are special.
</i>I store “angry” away and settle back into “curious.” Junior High is on the
horizon and my world is getting bigger.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Geography</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My grandma (my middle name, LaRue, comes from Grandma) has
albums upon albums of photographs. I revisit them on a regular basis during my
childhood and even into my teen years. She has 17 grandchildren and I observe
naming them, chronologically from oldest to youngest. These are my people; I
know where I fit in the big picture. Lori, April, Sean, Jamie, Scott, Steve,
Jenny, Me, Jessie, Bryan, Nathan, Louis, Chris, D.C., Bob, Nick, Zack. I know
their faces as babies, children and teens. I know their parents’ (my mom’s
siblings) faces as children, teens and adults. I have a lot of people and my
compass will always point here, to these people, to these years on the farm. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m poring over an album one day and I light upon a photo
that is new to me. I recognize my Mom; her smile, her hair is unmistakable. The
photo has the 1970’s yellow glow of eternal summer. There is a young man
standing next to her; his hair is full and light blonde and I think he looks
like one of the boys from the Dukes of Hazard, but not as happy. He seems
awkward, but handsome in a familiar way and I feel as though he does not belong
next to her smile. His gaze looks beyond the moment. This photo becomes part of
my narrative; my father, before my time has already moved one foot towards the
door. He was always leaving, always moving and never arriving.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s not that my father is ever far away. States do not
separate us, not even a county, and at times not even a mile of country roads.
He and I move along the same routes at different times. Our paths do not cross
often, and never by his own navigation. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s a summer day and we are exhausted and content after a
weekend on the river. My mom stops at the local convenience store on the way
home for fuel and bread. My brothers and I wait patiently, too tired to
find anything to bicker about. My mom returns and starts the engine; her anger
is palpable. She explains that she saw our father in the store. She told him
that his kids just learned how to water-ski; maybe he would like to say “hi.”
He told her he was too busy. I look at my brother; his face is a study in
stoicism. My heart is pounding. I feel anxious that this man upset her. I feel some
relief that I am saved from a confrontation of any kind.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Math; it also Blows</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My second grade teacher is horrible. He specializes in
shaming children’s behaviors and appearance. “Johnny forgot to comb his hair
today. Please take this comb to the bathroom and don’t return until you look
civilized.” If he catches a child picking her nose, “Oh look at that, Suzy
didn’t you have your breakfast this morning?” The class always dissolves in
giggles and a few sighs of relief from kids who are just glad they’re not up
for public humiliation this time. My strategy is to lay low and exude
perfection at all times. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One day we’re all walking back from the library (my favorite
class!) and Mr. M is pretending to ice-skate down the hall. He has a smug look
on his face as some of the other kids reward him with giggles. I’m the last in
line and he catches me before I walk into the class. “Megan, do you have a
Daddy at home?” I am stunned by the question. I’m not sure how to answer. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I have a Dad, but I don’t call him Daddy. </i>I
stare at him blankly. He rephrases the questions, “Does your Mom have a
boyfriend?” <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Boyfriend? I don’t know. He
is my Dad. My Mom loves him. We are a family. </i>I nod my head dumbly. I have
most likely and unwittingly saved my mom from being asked out by a middle-aged
man with a bad comb-over. I do not have the words at the time to articulate
this feeling, but deep in my heart I have a strong conviction that this man is
a D-bag.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Fortunately, the teachers in my school district go on strike
that year. I am saved from further questioning into my family dynamics by Mr.
Comb-Over. Unfortunately, I’m supposed to learn multiplication this year and get
ready for long division in 3<sup>rd</sup> grade.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My Dad takes it upon himself to drill me on times tables
that summer. Every night, the dinner table is a cause of great anxiety for me.
He is a Mathematical drill sergeant, a cobra who strikes quickly. I begin to
recognize his body language. I see the question forming on his eye-brows before
it can reach his lips. I shove a giant piece of meatloaf in my mouth before he
can draw his weapon, “Blondie, what’s 7 times 8?!” I chew with exaggeration.
Supper time decorum can’t possibly allow me to answer while I have food in my
mouth! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We continue this math dance for years.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m in 8<sup>th</sup> grade and my dad is attempting to help
me with my Geometry homework. I am frustrated beyond words and I am practically
in tears. “I CAN’T do this,” I sob. Usually my crying causes my Dad great
confusion and some distress. You would think after years of raising a female
faucet, he would get used to the tears, but he is a man and men see the leaking
thing as the problem that must be fixed. Stop the tears, problem fixed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But this time, my tears have accompanied the dreaded phrase,
“I CAN’T.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now he is frustrated. “Don’t ever tell me you ‘Can’t.’ I
don’t want that word to be part of your vocabulary. Always keep trying. As long
as you always try, I will never be disappointed.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He is relentless in his quest for Math to not defeat me. He
drives me to early morning Peer Tutoring at the High School twice a week and
does spot checks on my homework. We make it through Trigonometry together with
a C-average. Calculus is not an option my senior year and I gladly take
Consumer’s Math and dive into an extra Literature class.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">My Choice</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s the beginning of my senior year of high school. I’m
walking down the long, dusty farm lane by myself since both my brothers have
sport activities after school. I hear the buzz of my Dad’s jeep and feel
thankful for the reprieve from walking through more dust in my new shoes. I
jump in the passenger seat and he tosses an envelope to me, “This came for
you.” I don’t recognize the bubbly print, but tear into it. There are two
insurance cards and a hand-written note in the same bubble letters:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Dear Megan,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Here is your and your brothers
insurance cards from your Dad. He talks about you often but never wanted to
cause problems between your parents. He would like to see you if you want.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Your Dad’s Fiance,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Tami</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I stare at the letter in shock. We’re cresting the hill and
I stare out over the fields. I’m not sure why, but I decide to read the letter
out loud. My Dad, usually confident and not one to hold back opinions no matter
how unpopular, clears his throat. “Well, your Mom and I always said you and Nathan,
well that it’s up to you. You have to do what is right for you.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I ponder this.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“No.” I say it firmly. “I’m almost 18 years old. Why now?
And it’s not even him writing to me. It’s some woman who writes like a 10-year
old. Besides, I have a Dad.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My face is
burning with fury, the nerve of him to issue a second-hand invitation for
himself into my life and behave as though it is really all my choice. I toss
the cards in my backpack and crumple the letter in my fist.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Social Media: Lost
and Found</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I hear nothing from my father’s camp for years. I graduate
college. I date. I get my heart broken; I break hearts. I find a job, meet a
special guy, get engaged, get married, leave a job, get a new job, lose my
grandma, battle Depression, get a dog and make it to my thirties all without
hearing from my father.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is not to say that I don’t think about him. He does not
cross my mind on a daily basis. Other people find a way to put him there from
time to time.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When my Grandmother is dying in Hospice, one of my Mom’s
friends comes to visit. Out of the blue, she tells me, “I saw your father. He’s
bald now.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I stare at her in a daze of confusion and exhaustion. I say,
“Okay.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
His absence must also be acknowledged at all appointments
with Doctors. Medical History, Father’s Side. I write: Unknown. (What I want to
write: Disappeared. Not sure if I too may disappear. Have not yet experienced
any symptoms of magical powers such as ability to make oneself disappear).</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s late evening, the summer of 2012. I am catching up on
Facebook emails when I notice the “Other” folder. I have never noticed this
folder until now. There are two emails. The first is from a random man in California who
wants to meet me. “Perv”, I mutter. Delete.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The second email is from another name I don’t recognize, a
woman. I open the email:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="null"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "batang" , "serif";">I know you don't know me, but, I am with
your dad, ------ -------. We would love to get to know you, if you want, please
respond back.</span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I stare at the monitor in shock. When I regain my senses, I
do what any self-respecting social media user would do. I creep her Facebook
page.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Her privacy settings are fairly low (c’mon Baby Boomers, get
it together and learn how to use those settings!) She is pretty, petite and has
a kind face. He is bald. Well, duh, I already knew that thanks to my Mom’s
informative friend. There is a baby in the photos. It turns out the baby is her
grandson. My father is holding the baby in another photo. I’m beginning to feel
my skin crawl as blood rushes up my neck to my face. The anger surprises me. I race up the stairs to find my husband and I start shouting nonsense. He can’t
keep up and is looking at me like I have completely lost my mind.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Okay, so it only took me 31 years to get to anger. Maybe it’s
because I know so many wonderful kids who also have an MIA father. I see the
confusion and hurt that they experience. I see my friends as they struggle as
single Moms or with blended families. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now that I’m in my thirties, I am finally in a
place where I can look back on my childhood with some distance, as an observer. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I reach a state of calm and go back to the email. I realize
that it’s almost 6 months old. I think she/they have been waiting 6 months, what’s
a little more time. So I write back:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="null"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "batang" , "serif";">I need some time to process this. I'm 31
years old and I don't know him. He doesn't know me. I'm not sure what to think.
I mean, why now? I guess it would mean more if he contacted me himself. Does
that make sense?</span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She tells me this makes perfect sense to her. I know I don’t
owe her anything, but I am grateful that she understands and is patient.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After a couple days of meditation and conversations with loved
ones, I send her a heartfelt, but direct message to give to my father. I let
him know that I am open to communication. I make clear that I already have a
Dad and I expect that he will respect my Dad’s place in my life.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "arial black" , "sans-serif";"></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is not an easy decision to come to. I try to weigh pros
and cons. I try to imagine why he may possibly want to enter my life at this
point (Does he need a kidney?) I think about how my family would react, but
push this thought away. This is my decision. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A conversation I have with another woman who
does not know her father actually plays the biggest role in my decision. She tells
me that when she was in her twenties, her father contacted her after a lifetime
of absence. She told him to hit the road. He died not too long after that and
she has lived with her rejection of him as her only regret in life.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This makes sense to me. I have lived a life without regrets.
Why start now? I owe him nothing. Maybe he can give me something else besides “Unknown”
to write next to “Medical History: Father’s Side.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">What now?</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It has been over a year since I sent that message to my
Father’s girlfriend. He has not called.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have corresponded with his girlfriend, who is a very kind
woman facing a difficult road: bone cancer. I only know her on Facebook, but my
heart aches for her. I am not sure if her diagnosis has influenced his decision
to not make contact with me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I do know this: He has never attempted to contact me or my
brother on his own. There has always been a woman in the middle of the correspondence.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I make judgments in my head about these
women. I know the type; they see a broken man and they want to fix him. Or
maybe it’s just that they love him and but they don’t love that one part about
him. The part where he has kids out there he doesn’t know.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sometimes I draw conclusions about him based on
circumstantial evidence and behavior. I have Depression. He has a brother who
took his own life. The Depression must come from his side. Maybe he is
Depressed? Maybe he copes by using alcohol? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
People I barely know have told me that he is a bad person.
This I cannot believe. There are very few “bad” people in the world. We all
have struggles. We all make mistakes. We all make poor decisions. We all try to
do the best we can with what we’re given.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I used to think that if I could know him that some
mysterious part of me would be revealed to myself. Is some part of me
irrevocably damaged because we share biology? Has his absence created a
subtraction in me? Math has never been my strong subject. Everything is up for
debate; black and white is only an illusion people allow themselves so that their
world is easier to grasp.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Conclusions are also
Beginnings</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is what I do know. I made it. I have a lot of people in
my life who love me and made me the person that I am today.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To my Mom and Dad: I want you to know that you did more than
good. I am your “clay.” I am shaped by your loving hands and I have love to
give because of you.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To single parents and blended families, just keep going.
You’re doing it already. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To those who would look upon a fatherless or motherless
child with pity. Don’t. Do not look at this child as less; he has already had a
subtraction in his life, do not take more away from him. Give her your respect,
your love and your expectation of greatness. Let her meet those expectations
and exceed them.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To children of absent parents: your parent’s absence is
beyond your control. Their absence may be part of your fabric, but it’s not
everything. You are already 100% you. I hope you have people in your life who
love you and cherish you. Even if it’s one parent, one grandfather or special
aunt; this is your foundation. Learn from them. Plant yourself in their love and
nourish your hopes and dreams with their devotion.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To the parents who have left and to my own Father: I don’t
know what has happened in your life that has pushed you away from your
children. I am thankful that I have not had similar experiences. I am sorry for
your pain. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Your losses are great; they include me.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-3fFitb6sXfy5P5ZLemq8MXNEcGs05hCzWcgNFRDw38hsWkizDB8E4JYP_BnbOK1mm2o8-PqsROJJnYvmsPDD08RS_DC-MlI0FKFzVihDqtvkVHEaRcKEaJ1GIJZJyZADIkgQrgVlyTk/s1600/Momzee+and+me.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-3fFitb6sXfy5P5ZLemq8MXNEcGs05hCzWcgNFRDw38hsWkizDB8E4JYP_BnbOK1mm2o8-PqsROJJnYvmsPDD08RS_DC-MlI0FKFzVihDqtvkVHEaRcKEaJ1GIJZJyZADIkgQrgVlyTk/s320/Momzee+and+me.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
</div>
<br />
<br />Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02712840054957646110noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7872912489670630171.post-15947267228600808672013-07-22T11:35:00.002-04:002014-02-13T10:14:16.623-05:00Some time ago<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
What purpose does this</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
joyless servitude afford?</div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
but days an eternity</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
only to survive.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hope, a meaningless</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
word, like the time</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I said “spoon”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
too many times.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Was that my laugh</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
a thousand years ago?</div>
Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02712840054957646110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7872912489670630171.post-39819457673270227672013-07-16T15:13:00.001-04:002014-02-13T10:14:16.633-05:00Carnival <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Dancing on her own grave,</div>
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of roots.</div>
Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02712840054957646110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7872912489670630171.post-89901299314507632602013-06-26T14:16:00.001-04:002014-02-13T10:14:16.660-05:00Sparrow's Song<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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We squander our breath on useless details</div>
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burning seconds and hours and days</div>
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away from the language of love and beauty.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Touch my heart so gently.</div>
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Breathe for me.</div>
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Ghosts speak to me.</div>
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There’s no need for all this</div>
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Friction.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Once a sparrow sang to me</div>
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A melody.</div>
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A mystery.</div>
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Breathe for me, sparrow.</div>
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Breathe for me.</div>
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We rise from the ashes on the backs </div>
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Of our ghosts.</div>
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They sang their songs of right,</div>
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Friction.</div>
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Cry, sparrow, cry.</div>
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I choose friction.</div>
Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02712840054957646110noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7872912489670630171.post-43828608139800493722013-06-12T08:58:00.003-04:002019-07-02T21:49:28.383-04:00My Whole Universe<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
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No one asked me if you could leave</div>
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or if I ever needed you.</div>
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Control is an illusion.</div>
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I learn this; I am young.</div>
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Your absence is an animal</div>
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of subtraction and frenzy</div>
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locked in a cage while</div>
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people point and stare.</div>
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Will she fall in the bottle?</div>
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He does not raise her,</div>
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Not enough room in a brown bottle</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
for more than one.</div>
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<br /></div>
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But I rise like the sun</div>
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even if blurred by clouds</div>
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of self-doubt and despair,</div>
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and sometimes I am the moon</div>
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reflecting my own bright light.</div>
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My family,</div>
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they are my earth, my world</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
and collectively, my sun.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Our gravities push and pull. </div>
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We are globes of light and warmth</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
sustaining life against all odds.</div>
Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02712840054957646110noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7872912489670630171.post-20536963629591445172012-08-30T10:35:00.000-04:002014-02-13T10:14:16.626-05:00A True Princess StoryMy niece, Natty, is an incredible little girl. From that first moment when I held her and looked into her big, baby blue eyes, I knew life was changing. I felt older - more certain and paradoxically more uncertain about life than I had ever been. As I cradled her in my arms, a fierce pride swelled my heart while a new humility simultaneously melted it into a pool of wonder, reflecting everything in the world that had ever been for me and had yet to be for her.<br />
<br />
I wondered. <i>Who will she be? What will she do? How can I help her?</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> Now she is 4 and closing in on 5 (more quickly than I would allow if I got to be in charge of Time). Her personality is growing faster than her arms and legs (and she's tall!).<br />
<br />
I don't get to see her as often as I would like since we have about 65 miles of roads between us. Every time we are reunited I am amazed by her growth, even if it has only been a few weeks since I saw her last.<br />
<br />
I was sitting on the couch at my Mom's house on Saturday when Natty came in the door. She was a whole room away and barely through the door when I heard her addressing me and saying something about the orange cat. Her chatter made me laugh. I had not seen her for a couple weeks, but she was chatting away like she had just left the room for a moment.<br />
<br />
Early evening found us outside, armed with tiny containers of bubbles, surrounded by the warm buzz of late summer. Natty skipped over to the swing my Dad had installed. Awed by her ability to skip in flip-flops, I winced as she narrowly missed tree roots and large, pointed sticks.<br />
<br />
I blew tiny bubbles up in the air so they floated down on her as she pumped her legs in the air. She tried to pop them with her toes and giggled every time she got one.<br />
<br />
"This looks like an enchanted forest," I mused, almost to myself.<br />
<br />
"What do you mean, Siggy?" Natty had slowed her swing, her face inquisitive.<br />
<br />
I had been thinking about my own childhood while echoes of summers-past filled my mind, but I wasn't sure how to explain to her that I was unearthing sepia-colored ghosts. My own hours spent on swings, oblivious to insect bites, summer sweat and the passing of time.<br />
<br />
I went in another direction. "Oh, maybe like sparkly fairy dust could just float down on us at any moment," I answered.<br />
<br />
Natty's eyes doubled in size, "And turn us into Fairy Princesses?!"<br />
<br />
"Yes!" I was delighted. "Do we wear dresses now, Natty? What color are they?"<br />
<br />
"Mine is sparkly, pink and blue. You wear blue, Siggy."<br />
<br />
"Do we have pets? Like maybe frogs?"<br />
<br />
"Nooooo... they're horses! And know what? They have wings! Yes, they're unicorns...with wings."<br />
<br />
"Wings? Great idea! Well, now we can go wherever we want. Where shall we go?"<br />
<br />
Natalie pauses for just a moment. "I know. We will go some place...a place we never been before!" <br />
<br />
I nod in agreement. I think to myself that a Princess should always have adventure in her life.<br />
<br />
"And know what, Aunt Siggy? We could go to the North Pole!? And see SANTA!?"<br />
<br />
I'm giggling at this point. I recall telling a hardware store Santa one year that I wanted to go back with him to the North Pole and become an Elf. He told me I was too tall. I wonder what Natty would think of that.<br />
<br />
"Natalie? You seem like you're about the same height as an Elf. I think you would fit in quite well in the North Pole. I may be too tall. Where would I sleep?"<br />
<br />
Natty loves a good problem to solve. "I know, we'll just stay for one day. We'll tell them we can't spend the night." The wheels are still turning though and then, "I KNOW, we still have fairy dust. We'll turn our horses into floating beds!"<br />
<br />
"You are a good problem-solver! I'm glad I get to travel with you."<br />
<br />
Natalie became quiet again, swinging and looking at nothing in particular. I began to think that maybe she had moved on and we had exhausted her attention span for this story.<br />
<br />
"Aunt Siggy? None of this would really come true, would it?" I couldn't tell if she was disappointed or maybe thought Aunt Siggy needed to be reminded that we can't really have flying unicorns.<br />
<br />
I decide not to underestimate her or be the dorky adult who says, "Of course it can come true!"<br />
<br />
"Natalie, I'm glad you know the difference between 'real' and 'pretend.' It is fun to pretend and use our Imagination though. You know, that's what Grammy does when she writes her books; she uses her Imagination to make stories."<br />
<br />
She considers this. "Okay Siggy, We could make this story. You write it and I'll make the pictures. And know what?"<br />
<br />
"What, Natty?"<br />
<br />
"I think we could even put real sparkles in the book. And know what? We could give every kid the book for free."<br />
<br />
"Natalie, you have the best ideas. I love you."<br />
<br />
"I love you too, Aunt Siggy." <br />
<br />
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<br />Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02712840054957646110noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7872912489670630171.post-89305876239365945892012-08-17T11:55:00.000-04:002014-02-13T10:14:16.657-05:00AcceptanceThe final stage of grieving is called "Acceptance." This is the agreed upon term for the final stage of grief by all mental health professionals. It doesn't matter if they're looking at the typical 5-stage model or trying to sell you a book with some extra special stages they have added for novelty. Yes, they all agree on "Acceptance."<br />
<br />
Acceptance seemed like a pretty straight-forward concept to me and I wasn't sure why it was considered to be the final stage. Of course I accepted that my grandma wasn't coming back. The finality of death is indisputable.<br />
<br />
I had just turned 30 years old a week before Grandma's spirit left her body. Thirty. I know a few people who freaked out about turning the big three-zero. I have known since I was in grade-school that thirty would be special. Thus far, none of my other birthdays had seemed that special. Just another day that felt like yesterday. 19 was not that much different from 18. Pimples, check. Uncertain about the future, check.<br />
<br />
"When I wake up on my 30th birthday, life is going to make sense," I shared with anyone who would listen. People had mixed reactions. Usually people who were older than me just smiled. Others engaged me in debate, "Is that so? What kind of answers will you have?"<br />
<br />
"All the answers," I replied with confidence.<br />
<br />
<i>October 30, 2010 Facebook Post:</i><br />
<i>Was sitting in a hospital room with my Gram the other day. As I watched a machine do her breathing for her, my Dad turned around and said, "Take this as a lesson. THIS is how fast it goes. One day you're 18 and the next..." I listened to him. I listened to myself breathe. Every breath, every moment is a gift. All you have in life is THIS moment. 30 feels great so far, every breath of it. Much love to all.</i><br />
<br />
<i>October 30, 2010 Facebook message from my Mom:</i><br />
<div class="statusUnit">
<div class="tlTxFe">
<i>30 years ago this moment I smiled and you cried...and your Grandma stood with outstretched arms waiting to hold you...</i><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="tlTxFe">
</div>
<div class="tlTxFe">
<b>Concordia Lutheran Ministries: Good Samaritan Hospice</b><br />
Cabot, Pennsylvania </div>
<div class="tlTxFe">
early November, 2010</div>
<div class="tlTxFe">
<br /></div>
<div class="tlTxFe">
Grandma's stay in Hospice lasted longer than the doctors and nurses anticipated. In hospice, they take away all the i.v.'s, the feeding tube and breathing machines that keep the body alive. Hospice is a place of transition. They keep the physical body comfortable while the spirit gets ready for the journey back to its first home.</div>
<div class="tlTxFe">
<br /></div>
<div class="tlTxFe">
The whole concept of dying seemed foreign and morbid to me. </div>
<div class="tlTxFe">
<br /></div>
<div class="tlTxFe">
Died. Passed away. Those are past tense concepts--news you hear after someone is already in the state of death.</div>
<div class="tlTxFe">
<br /></div>
<div class="tlTxFe">
Dying. </div>
<div class="tlTxFe">
<br /></div>
<div class="tlTxFe">
People have said to me, "Well, we're ALL dying a little more every day." <i>Well aren't you clever?</i></div>
<div class="tlTxFe">
<br /></div>
<div class="tlTxFe">
The family agreed Grandma should not be alone during this time. Agreement coming from a big family who rarely agrees on much of anything seemed like a profound moment to me.<br />
<br />
My mom, Uncle Pete and I took the night shift. <br />
<br />
The Nurses and Aides floated in and out of the Suite. "Do you need anything to eat or drink? Can I get you anything at all?" They always asked these questions.<br />
<br />
See, when you're holding the hand of someone who is on their way to death, simple things like eating are forgotten. The growl in your stomach doesn't even seem like your body's way of alerting you to hunger. It's more of a reminder of how very small you feel in this room, in this universe where someone you love is on their way to death.<br />
<br />
Hospice nurses and aides are very special. Angels. They know "dying". They bring comfort to the one who is preparing to leave. They bring courage to all the other people in the room - to the people who have to stay.<br />
<br />
An aide was combing Grandma's hair. She marveled at how Grandma's hair still had so much black and very little gray. She wondered, "What was she like as a girl?"<br />
<br />
I hesitated. <i>Maybe her question is rhetorical?</i> I thought of all the hours I spent sitting on the floor of Gram's bedroom or cross-legged on the edge of her bed while she sat at her desk. I listened to Grandma's stories, conjuring up images in my mind of what she was like as a child, as a young woman with a nursing career. I loved to hear her tell me about her life before she became a mother, grandmother and great-grandmother.<br />
<br />
I found my voice. "She was strong. She went to a one-room school house. There was a bully in her class...this older boy who was mean to her. Not just mean, he was abusive. One day he had a long pin or needle...something sharp. He pushed it into her thigh, trying to get her to scream or cry. She looked him straight in the eye and never said a word. She told me that he never bothered her again."<br />
<br />
The story led to other stories. I wondered if Grandma could hear me. I hoped I was getting it right.<br />
<br />
Stories help. When you're inside of the dying-bubble, you start to feel like maybe you're dying too and that dying is just where you're at and where you will always be. Nothing else really seems to matter.<br />
<br />
I couldn't even fathom that death would come. Going to Hospice with Mom, sinking into a soft, leather recliner, holding Grandma's hand, singing "Poor Little Robin a'walkin, walkin, walkin to Missouri..." to her, confessing that I <u>did</u><i> </i>run that stop sign on Fisher Road when she was teaching me to drive, holding my breath every time her body twitched or sighed, telling her it was okay to let go of us so she could be with Pappy - those are the things that became normal.<br />
<br />
You go through grief stages when someone is dying. Then you have
to go through them again when your loved one has reached death.<br />
<br />
The finality of Grandma's death still managed to surprise me. I felt so stupid.<br />
<br />
November 7th, I was sleeping in the leather recliner. I had pulled the chair as close to Grandma's bed as I could manage so I could hold her hand. The nurses came in the room. They were suctioning. One of my aunts had arrived. The air in the room felt different. There was a new heaviness. People were talking about "calling the family members."<br />
<br />
As light arrived with the morning, so did family members and relatives. The room became too crowded. <br />
<br />
<b>Going Home-</b><br />
<br />
I was driving north on Route 38, just past the Oneida Valley Damn, singing along to Kate Voegel's "Hallelujah" when I got a text from my youngest brother: "Grandma died at..."<br />
<br />
I can't remember the time. It was evening. This news still managed to surprise me.<br />
<br />
Did I think I could somehow prepare myself for this moment? I couldn't. I can't. You can't. The moment you learn that someone you dearly love has left this world, no matter how long you have been expecting it to happen and no matter how many times you have talked about it, this news of death will take your breath away and crush your insides with a power that is unforeseeable.<br />
<br />
Acceptance does not happen at that moment when you know that death has happened. It takes a very, very long time to get to Acceptance.<br />
<br />
That cliche about time healing all wounds is sort of true. But it takes more than just time alone. Maybe you will even need counseling, like I did. You definitely need people to talk to. You need people to listen. When you're walking though a department store on a random Thursday and a memory blindsides you and takes you out right at the knees, you need someone you can lean on, even if it's just a phone call to a friend to get your legs working again.<br />
<br />
Acceptance is not about accepting the death. Acceptance is about accepting Life. I'm still alive. The other alive-people need me and I need them. When the day came that I was able to share my Grandma's life with other alive-people, that's when I understood what acceptance truly means.</div>
</div>
Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02712840054957646110noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7872912489670630171.post-7432524874598657072012-04-24T20:00:00.000-04:002014-02-13T10:14:16.650-05:00<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I completed Grief Counseling in mid-Spring. I don’t remember the date. I do remember that it was raining that day. The rain drops were fat and beautiful, plopping down with earthbound purpose. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I never seem to have an umbrella handy. That day was no exception. I didn’t care if I got soaked. I lifted my face to the sky, breathed in the promise of Spring, and made my way to the entrance of the Counseling Center.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> <b>Several Months Earlier...</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The halls of the Counseling Center are the color of pink vomit. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"></i>The counselor walked back the hallway with me towards his office. “How are you, Megan?” I always over think that question. It’s generally a small-talk question. The standard small-talk answer is, “Good, thanks. How are you?” I manage to utter this customary response to most people, but to him I responded, “Well, I guess we’ll be talking about that for the next hour.” He replied, “Okay,” dragging out the “ay”.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The first time I was in his office, I sat upright in an uncomfortable wooden chair. We went through the customary intake process-- family history, medical history and we talked about my "goals". It took us two sessions to get through that process. I was annoyed. By the third session I had moved to an ugly, green upholstered chair, the kind you have to heave yourself out of when it's time to get up. "So, I guess the 'healing' can start now," I quipped. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Something I've learned about counselors is that they generally don't care for self-deprecation. I'm fluent in it. Counselors don't usually go for that kind of talk. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Basically, all I really wanted from grief counseling was a diagnosis of "normal." (Another thing I've learned about counselors...they don't like the word "normal"). I just wanted a professional to validate that my feelings were a typical expression of grief. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">My first rambling session went something like this: "Look, this is how I'm feeling. I cry a lot, but I've always been a crier. You know those Hallmark commercials? Like the one where the old lady always has an empty mailbox and looks so sad, but then one day her neighbor notices and sends her a card...that commercial killed me every time. I'm a sap. But all this crying lately, I think it's making my husband uncomfortable. I've read all about the stages of grief...and honestly, I think I'm normal. But could you just tell me that? Please, just tell me that this is normal...oh, I know therapists don't like that word, but it's not really for me. It's for Tim. My husband. I just want him to know that all this crying is not some black-hole of depression that I'll never come out of."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It was a relief to get the "normal" diagnosis...at first. It was kind of a "win" to tell my husband that a mental health professional told me that I was experiencing "normal" grief and that my expressions of grief were also "normal." We laughed when I told him that I actually asked my therapist to "write a note to my husband." (My counselor did not write the note. He didn't laugh either. Whatever.)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I told myself that all I really needed to know was that I wasn't going crazy. I didn't plan on going back for more counseling as long as I got the "normal" pass. But I did go back, week after week.<br />
<br />
The counseling sessions are rather blurry now. Looking back on them, I realize now that the sessions themselves were not much help. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I was beginning to feel a resentment towards the outside world for not realizing how much pain I was in, for not understanding how important my Grandma had been in my life. The "normal" tag seemed to minimize my anguish. I didn't want my grief to be normal. The actual act of going to a therapy session was what I really needed. It was my way of saying to "everyone" that I was not done grieving. Sometimes I wanted to scream, "I'm NOT OK!"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I didn't scream.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I cried. I sobbed. I buried my face in my pillow at night, wondering how many tears it could absorb before I began to drown in my own salty, snotty sorrow.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I couldn't scream.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Many days I would open my contact list on my phone and scroll through all the names. I found a reason for each name to not hit the "call" button.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I would not scream. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I went to counseling and sheepishly told a stranger about my darkest hours. A copay has a way of relieving you of any guilt that may typically be associated with unloading your sorrows on another human being.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br />
</span><br />
<h4 style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i>Let Your Memories Bring You Comfort</i></span></h4><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Cardboard condolences. On a good day, they can make you feel loved. On a bad day, they can make you feel like bitch-slapping the guy who makes money by pairing up a clich</span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;">é </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">and a serene photo of an ethereal looking dove.</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i> </i></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">We talked about cliches a lot during counseling. Well, I talked about clich</span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;">é</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">s. I told him how angry some of them made me feel. He listened. He didn't offer up any cliches about clich</span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;">é</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">s. I was thankful.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I was allowed to have anger, hurt and pain. It was okay to let that lump in my throat explode into shameless tears. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Memories are not much comfort soon after a loss. They can be as sneaky as a paper cut that catches you off guard. Where did that come from? Slice. Your eyes sting. Would you cry over a paper cut? Right here in front of your boss? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">They can also sucker punch you in the gut. Holidays. Those are gut-punchers. It's hard to breathe. You find an unoccupied room and crumple in defeat. Who knew that a glowing flash of Christmas 1989 had such a mean left hook?</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b>Spring </b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">When I made my way to my last counseling session last spring, I didn't know it would be my last walk down the pukey-pink hallway. The familiar green chair embraced me like an old friend while my counselor commented on the rain. His small talk didn't bother me anymore.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">"My grandma loved Spring," I shared. "She liked to plant Gladiolus...oh, but she said it like, "glad-ee-ole-ee-yas.'" </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I smiled at the memory.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I smiled and the green chair seemed to hug me a little tighter.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"></div></div>Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02712840054957646110noreply@blogger.com2